When you grow up thinking you are less than anyone and everyone around you, it makes you think less of yourself by default. I spent over three decades "knowing" that I was less than literally everyone that would ever come into my life. I was taught to be smaller, change for others, do for everyone before me. It's not a pleasant life.
I'm not sure if not knowing that and finding out later is better than knowing that was wrong the whole time. Maybe ignorance really is bliss? Either way, I found out. And I'm angry! I'm angry at the people in my life that were supposed to love me but couldn't do so unless it benefitted them. I'm angry at the people that helped make the "love" seem okay. I'm angry at me for just letting it happen.
One of the hardest things about this journey that I'm now on is that I don't have an 'old me' to go back to. It's not like I used to be strong and then I was weakened. I was always their doormat. I was always less. So now I have to reinvent myself entirely. I have to recreate the whole of me into something that I never was but always should have been. How? Where do I begin? Most of the time, this journey, this choosing me, it makes me feel like an imposter. I feel like I'm faking being the strong one and at any minute, I'm going to get found out. I'm going to get knocked down off the ladder I'm trying to scramble up and land back down on the ground as the doormat I have always been.
During my younger years, I figured out one of many survival tactics was to just remain unseen. If I made myself invisible, less damage would ensue. I made myself smaller and quieter. I made myself into nothing. I didn't strive for things, I didn't chase my dreams, I survived and did so quietly. One of my biggest regrets that came out of living like that for so long is letting go of my dream to become an author. You can read more about that here. I could have been an author years ago. I could have had a couple of books under me by now.
It's been almost a year and a half since I 'woke up' and realized I needed to demand more for myself. I needed to be stronger and more selfish. I needed to put my health, mental and physical, up at the top of the priorities list instead of dead last. I did that. I'm still doing it. It's hard, but you know what?!? I am achieving my goal.
ON APRIL 5TH, I OFFICIALLY BECAME A SIGNED AUTHOR!!!
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, haters!!!! I got a badass, three-year contract with a wonderful publisher! I will be published within six months. That long-ass manuscript that I was ready to give up on?? It's being published! I have my own author website on my publisher's website. I'm up there for anyone and everyone to see. It even says 'author' under my name! Check it out!!
I'm still in shock about the whole ordeal and I think that is part of the residual garbage that I grew up with. Over the last year and a half, I have had the pleasure of people telling me that those awful family members have said things like, "I wish I just didn't have to see her name pop up on social media" and "Stop forcing me to see her face online." It hurt me at the time and I have blocked them since but you know what's fun? Pretty soon, my name will be plastered all over the internet, on books, on amazon and in bookstores and they can't do anything about it. They won't be able to get away from it. I get a lot of satisfaction thinking that one day they will be walking into a bookstore and possibly see my name on a book and that it will throw them for a loop. Is that awful of me? Maybe, but I can't feel bad about my own success. I rid myself of the hate. I rose above what they told me I could be. I accomplished some serious hard shit without them; in spite of what they said or did. And part of me hopes it hurts when they look at my smiling face on the inside flap of a beautiful hardback book written solely by me, cuz now, I want to be seen!
No comments:
Post a Comment